this Body's Closed until Further Notice

Someone please hire me. Please.

-Not Desperate at all

I’m using my former employers service to look for an apartment in Oneonta so that I can move there and work for a competitor. I am the scum of the earth.

Name: Alec

Tumblr Name: alecjoy

Nickname(s): Eric

Birthday: April 20, 1992

Relationship Status: Single

Random fact about you: I have a .932 save percentage in Pike Roller Hockey

(Source: mstrueimage)

You’ve caused this collapse between the heart and the synapse

It’s 3 a.m. and I just finished a run through of Deja Entendu coupled with vodka and existentialism so now it’s time to write another tl:dr; blog that I’ll look back on in five years with shame. I’ve pretty much revisited every moment of my childhood, that I can remember, that I wish I could change or take back tonight which means that once again I’m just reinforcing how much I hate myself. Unfortunately tonight included the 2 things I hate thinking about most, the 3 years of hell I spent at Catholic School, and her so I have an extra special dose of depression tonight.The following has no real structure to it and is probably going to be very choppy and incoherent to those few of you who will actually take the time to read it in the first place, so I apologize for that ahead of time. So with that being said, I’m just going to launch right in to this.

I’m down again but this time is different, I’m mourning something that I miss

I’m pretty miserable at the moment. That’s just a fact. I’m unemployed, a recent college drop out, I have $150 to my name (also known as my next two months of loan payments) no direction, no solutions, no motivation, and little to no help. I am almost completely alone. I haven’t seen another person outside of my immediate family in a few weeks, any of my friends in at least a month, and the most important person in my life in over 9 months. I don’t carry my phone much because there is no point. It never rings, and the only person I ever have to text is someone that I am afraid to text for no good reason. He’s the lead singer of my favorite band who I have now been friends with for a year but I am still uncomfortable texting him even though he has nearly $150 worth of my music that I really do want back, especially the yellowcard vinyl box set, and I know that now that he’s home all I have to do is remind him about it and it will get taken care of but I’m just so uncomfortable with texting him or his brother. There’s no real reason for it other than I just feel like I’d be bothering them. Why am I talking about this? Whatever anyway…

Forgive me I’m trying to find, my calling I’m calling at night

As mentioned I am poor unemployed and by all measures at this point, kind of a fucking failure. I’ve never been able to motivate myself well, which is how a 158 IQ ends up with a C GPA in High School and worse in community college. It’s not that I can’t do it. It’s not that I don’t understand it, I probably understand it better than anyone in the class but when it comes to just sitting down and doing the homework I just never get to that part. I can barely get myself out of bed in the morning at all. I’ve never really believed in God but have always kind of hoped that there was some sort of truth to all the there’s about balance and karma in the universe. I’ve never done much to help myself succeed but have repeatedly worked my ass of and gone out of my means to help others get what they need, and in a lot of ways I guess I was hoping there’d be some sort of karmic reward for that. Just so I’m being clear by karmic reward I don’t mean from the person, just in general. I don’t expect anything in return for any of the charity sites and fundraiser (singular) that I have done, and would never EVER consider asking any of the people involved or anyone for that matter for a handout. What I mean by karmic reward is something like getting an offer for a job that I applied to that requires a Bachelor’s degree but the person saw that I had the know how they wanted, regardless of lacking the piece of paper or things like that. Just opportunities that were not directly earned by anything that I’ve done but just kind of like, okay I’ve done all this shit for everyone but me now I really need a break for once. To this point that has not come, but the charity requests continue to poor in. I get maybe one paid client a year, and 10-20 people looking for handouts or “partnerships” in online startups that have no chance of going anywhere. It’s clear that I’m not going to be able to survive as a freelancer and am not at all in a position to move forward as an independent business owner so I’ve fallen back on regular employment, which is working out pretty much exactly as well as freelancing. I’m broke, and in a few months I’m going to start missing loan payments. There’s nothing I can do about it, there’s no cutting down my budget the loan payments are 100% of my current expenditure but with no money coming in it’s just a matter of time before i miss payments. I suppose on the bright side I have nothing to repossess, on the down side since my dad is a cosigner on one of my loans I could well get my parents cars, house, etc. taken away which is not something I want to allow to happen.

Nowhere to go as the day comes to a closehere’s where I fear I am losing all control, I stay in this where I’ve wasted countless days

To make all of this worse, there’s still her. To be honest I should have known this was coming. I was her best friend for 4 years, but she was never as emotionally invested in me as I was in her. I should have seen that the minute she got a new boyfriend that wasn’t as shitty as the one she had always had there would be no more use for me. No more time for me. That being said, it doesn’t make this any easier. It’s been 9 months and I still think about her every day. Still have her picture taped to my monitor. Still hope that some day she’ll come back. I need her. I should have never gotten as close as I did. I found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and she has no interest in spending her life with me. I got hit by a rogue wave in the form of a 22 year old douchebag that had all the right moves. Had everything that I lack. She’s happy. I’m happy for her. But being happy for someone, and being happy are two drastically different things. Maybe I’m not personally meant to be happy. I always bought in to the balance theory, that there are equal amounts of light and darkness in the world and that some people were just meant to live in darkness. If I am the counterweight to her happiness than so be it. I’ll serve my sentence.

Lastly, after many years of struggling with my personal views on religion I have made my conclusion. I do not know for sure if a God ever existed but to me it’s never been more clear. God is dead.

What they call love is a risk, you always get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own.